Chorizo and eggs

I woke up hungry today.  I usually don't eat in the morning, just one of my many bad habits. Today was different. While I was cooking, I started thinking about my last post. How down I was. I started thinking of where my head goes when I get sad. Even though I have a husband that loves me and kids that think I'm hilarious and a family that cares, I still find my way to feel sorry for myself. Whenever I hear about someone blaming their short comings on how they were raised or the abuse they endured in their lives, I get angry. I feel when you mature, you have the capacity to think and decide for yourself and you can only blame yourself for any bad decisions you make. I still think this way. Only thing is, I am one of those people that blame their past for how they feel and I need to stop this.

My bio Dad did not raise me. He didn't enter my life until I was nine years old even though he will tell you I was eight. He didn't have a hand in raising me, he never drove the whole way anywhere to come pick me up, he had an attitude about paying child support and giving me any extra money for anything as a child, he feels justified in not being in my life because he feels my mom lied to him about cheating therefore he didn't know I was his, he never came looking for me before my mom sued him for child support, when I was about ten years old he told me he didn't love me because he didn't know me, then proceeded to not make an effort to get to know me, and even though he knows he doesn't know me he presumes to know I'm not a trustworthy person. He has apologized for not being in my life, but it has never seemed like he is. I have always wanted to be Daddy's girl. I hate that he took that from me. I wish my Dad would have been more honest with himself about being in my life. I wish he would have been smarter about it all.

Now is the time for me to let this all go. Whether it is all true or not. It is all my best guess and my best recollection of what and how things went. Since my Dad is not writing or calling me I may never know exactly, but fortunately that is not required for me to let this crutch go. I feel like I am blocking a lot of blessings by holding on to this.

I forgive my Dad, I hope he can do the same.

Isn't it amazing what you can figure out in the time it takes to make chorizo and eggs?

In a hole

I was seriously thinking about moving back to California. After many discussions, had hubby and kids on board, only to doubt moving is the best thing. I feel unhappy and moving would be a temp fix to my blues. I feel like every decision I've made for myself has been wrong.

Ever since I asked my bio Dad for help with my tuition last fall, things have been on a down slope. When I asked him for his help, he asked me for a lot of information. A LOT. I complied since I needed his help. Everything he was saying and asking was starting to beat me down. It's like he was asking a lot of questions and when I answered them he didn't believe a word I said anyway. He did raise a few good points about what I really wanted to do for a career and that really made me think, but that didn't come until after I told him to never mind helping me. I felt I would continue to not do well. I haven't talked to my Dad since. He said we can "start over" even though he feels lied to etc..Now I feel like my "daddy issues" have increased. I have no idea what I did to make him feel everything I say is a lie. I think about it everyday. EVERY SINGLE DAY. I've written and emailed to no avail.

I feel I have lost a part of my confidence. I don't think he is to blame for my decisions, it just seems thats when I started digging a hole. I think I have dug myself into a hole and the "angel" on my shoulder is telling me that I am still the same person I have always been and I have what it takes to climb out, but on the other shoulder is the "devil" and he is telling me it's not worth the effort, I am damaged goods and to keep digging.

I know what I need to do is to climb out of this hole. I know I can push through all this bullshit and come out clean on the other side. I know I have it in me, but the bullshit is so warm and I don't even smell the poison down here anymore.

She's 14 today..

I am so proud to be her mom. She was the perfect baby,  has always been a good kid, and she is turning into a great person. I can't call her a lady, not even a young lady, it's either kid or person. I really lucked out having her. I love everything about this kid, she amazes me everyday and gets on my nerves all at the same time. In four months time she will be the exact age I was when I met whoever helped me make her, I didn't get preggers with her for another year, but still my ears stay perked. I will do everything in my power so she avoids my path. I would re-walk it a million times over, but it is not for her.

We are alike in many ways, but our differences are what I appreciate most. She is so much smarter than I was, so mature, and way cuter.

I love you, my Destinee.

You are my favorite girl in the world.

BOOK

I really want to write a book about my first 30 years. Growing up without a father, falling in love, and having 2 kids before my 18th birthday. It seems there are a lot of books on these topics. People who came from far worse situations and who are doing much, much better. So that means, my story isn't out yet. My hope is to help someone who can relate to my life personally and will benefit from my life lessons. Maybe someone can avoid the knucklehead route that I was so determined to follow.

The question I have is would my story really help anyone? If I thought it would, I would write it.

California

My mom asked me to move back to California. We have been back and forth about her moving and me moving for years. I think it's pretty obvious she's not going to move here, but I'm not sure what to do. I know I will be happier being around my family more often, but is it worth up-rooting the kids after almost 9 years of living in the same place?

The only one who will get upset I think will be my daughter. She has close friends she can't live without. My main concern is what is best for them. My husband doesn't really want to move, but he will, if it will make me happy.

My mom says pray about it. What would you do? I need some perspective.

My kid is 14 in 5 days

My daughter is going to be 14 in 5 days. I know it's in the title, but I have a theory if I repeat it, it won't seem so strange. Every time I look at her it's strange and looking at her more often doesn't help, so I don't have any concrete evidence for my theory.

Come August, she will be the exact age I was when I met her father, more specifically her biological father. Without him I wouldn't have a chocolate puddin' PRINCESS, but unfortunately that's where his role ends. Luckily, the only physical evidence of this is their matching birthmarks, her brother was not so lucky. Of course I'm kidding, my son is perfect. I do, however, have to fight the urge of violence that rises whenever he gets that blank look on his face. Other than that I'm good.

Recently, I contacted this person to contribute to her upcoming birthday party. Only to be told, he was saving for a car and any help he could offer would "break the bank". He went on to explain he was getting his life together and has to be selfish now, BUT if anything changed, he would call me right away to contribute. Since he has been in selfish mode and in the process of "getting his life together" since he's been 19, I don't think I will be getting that call. In case you're wondering on his next b-day he will be the big 3-7. Am I being too harsh in my assumption? lol. I couldn't type that with a straight face.

The relationship I had with this person is my main one-sided relationship. It lasted seven years, just to give you an idea of my determination and how oblivious I was. In my defense I was just a kid. That counts, right?

It is amazing the things we accept and wade through to stay with the person we feel we love. What a knucklehead I was. Once I became pregnant, I decided I wouldn't be a statistic and we'd get married and be together and that is all there was to it. Half way through my pregnancy I was literally chasing this person down to be in the baby's life because I decided my baby would know her father since I didn't. I didn't know him until I was 9 years old and I refused to let that happen to my kid. These were knucklehead decisions. Never did I once think, should I even have this kid? Should I give her up for adoption? Can I even be a good mom?
I had spent so much time as a kid imagining how I would make my kid's life different from my own, that I didn't stop and think what was best for my actual kid. I watch teen pregnancy reality shows and feel very guilty for keeping her. Her life is pretty good, but I can only imagine how much better off she would be if she didn't get dealt the raw deal of being born to a kid.

I try not to dwell on that, but I do have to be honest with myself, that keeping both kids was incredibly selfish on my part and I wish I would have considered everything much more thoroughly.

I do take solace in the fact, that neither kid were witness to any yelling or abuse that went on and the only other man they have ever seen me with other than the guy that helped me make them is their real father who is my husband.I will never be able to understand any parent not loving their kid more than them self. When I was imagining my life and what kind of father I wanted for my kids all I pictured was someone constant and someone who loved his kids more than himself. Some how, whether or not I deserve him, he's here and I am grateful everyday.

My daughter is so talented, intelligent, and beautiful. Of course, she's beautiful, she looks exactly like me. She is a lot like me too, so I  predict I won't lose her to her now dormant teenage madness until she falls in love. My ears are constantly perked for the signs.

I treasure every moment she still needs me. Thank God for her. Thank God she's mine.

It's late and I think too much

I often wonder if anyone thinks as much as I do about the things I do. I know one person who does, but he is the exception to a lot of things, including what and how much he thinks. 

What about everyone else?

Recently, I have decided to withdraw from all the one sided relationships in my life. Friends and family alike. From a young age, I have always put a lot of effort into all of my relationships. Some might say that I love hard. Looking back, this type of behavior has landed me in a lot of one-sided relationships with the opposite sex, family, and friends. I usually take people at face value and as much as I think about everything, I've always managed to overlook what was going on between the lines. 

I'll write and send a letter or email that doesn't get responded to, a call or text that doesn't get returned, or plans that never get accomplished. Folks insist they will get back and insist it's important to them, only to never be heard from again. Okay, that's a bit dramatic, they are not heard from on that subject, it's like it never happened.

Why can't people just say, "I'm done."?