My daughter is going to be 14 in 5 days. I know it's in the title, but I have a theory if I repeat it, it won't seem so strange. Every time I look at her it's strange and looking at her more often doesn't help, so I don't have any concrete evidence for my theory.
Come August, she will be the exact age I was when I met her father, more specifically her biological father. Without him I wouldn't have a chocolate puddin' PRINCESS, but unfortunately that's where his role ends. Luckily, the only physical evidence of this is their matching birthmarks, her brother was not so lucky. Of course I'm kidding, my son is perfect. I do, however, have to fight the urge of violence that rises whenever he gets that blank look on his face. Other than that I'm good.
Recently, I contacted this person to contribute to her upcoming birthday party. Only to be told, he was saving for a car and any help he could offer would "break the bank". He went on to explain he was getting his life together and has to be selfish now, BUT if anything changed, he would call me right away to contribute. Since he has been in selfish mode and in the process of "getting his life together" since he's been 19, I don't think I will be getting that call. In case you're wondering on his next b-day he will be the big 3-7. Am I being too harsh in my assumption? lol. I couldn't type that with a straight face.
The relationship I had with this person is my main one-sided relationship. It lasted seven years, just to give you an idea of my determination and how oblivious I was. In my defense I was just a kid. That counts, right?
It is amazing the things we accept and wade through to stay with the person we feel we love. What a knucklehead I was. Once I became pregnant, I decided I wouldn't be a statistic and we'd get married and be together and that is all there was to it. Half way through my pregnancy I was literally chasing this person down to be in the baby's life because I decided my baby would know her father since I didn't. I didn't know him until I was 9 years old and I refused to let that happen to my kid. These were knucklehead decisions. Never did I once think, should I even have this kid? Should I give her up for adoption? Can I even be a good mom?
I had spent so much time as a kid imagining how I would make my kid's life different from my own, that I didn't stop and think what was best for my actual kid. I watch teen pregnancy reality shows and feel very guilty for keeping her. Her life is pretty good, but I can only imagine how much better off she would be if she didn't get dealt the raw deal of being born to a kid.
I try not to dwell on that, but I do have to be honest with myself, that keeping both kids was incredibly selfish on my part and I wish I would have considered everything much more thoroughly.
I do take solace in the fact, that neither kid were witness to any yelling or abuse that went on and the only other man they have ever seen me with other than the guy that helped me make them is their real father who is my husband.I will never be able to understand any parent not loving their kid more than them self. When I was imagining my life and what kind of father I wanted for my kids all I pictured was someone constant and someone who loved his kids more than himself. Some how, whether or not I deserve him, he's here and I am grateful everyday.
My daughter is so talented, intelligent, and beautiful. Of course, she's beautiful, she looks exactly like me. She is a lot like me too, so I predict I won't lose her to her now dormant teenage madness until she falls in love. My ears are constantly perked for the signs.
I treasure every moment she still needs me. Thank God for her. Thank God she's mine.
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