Chorizo and eggs

I woke up hungry today.  I usually don't eat in the morning, just one of my many bad habits. Today was different. While I was cooking, I started thinking about my last post. How down I was. I started thinking of where my head goes when I get sad. Even though I have a husband that loves me and kids that think I'm hilarious and a family that cares, I still find my way to feel sorry for myself. Whenever I hear about someone blaming their short comings on how they were raised or the abuse they endured in their lives, I get angry. I feel when you mature, you have the capacity to think and decide for yourself and you can only blame yourself for any bad decisions you make. I still think this way. Only thing is, I am one of those people that blame their past for how they feel and I need to stop this.

My bio Dad did not raise me. He didn't enter my life until I was nine years old even though he will tell you I was eight. He didn't have a hand in raising me, he never drove the whole way anywhere to come pick me up, he had an attitude about paying child support and giving me any extra money for anything as a child, he feels justified in not being in my life because he feels my mom lied to him about cheating therefore he didn't know I was his, he never came looking for me before my mom sued him for child support, when I was about ten years old he told me he didn't love me because he didn't know me, then proceeded to not make an effort to get to know me, and even though he knows he doesn't know me he presumes to know I'm not a trustworthy person. He has apologized for not being in my life, but it has never seemed like he is. I have always wanted to be Daddy's girl. I hate that he took that from me. I wish my Dad would have been more honest with himself about being in my life. I wish he would have been smarter about it all.

Now is the time for me to let this all go. Whether it is all true or not. It is all my best guess and my best recollection of what and how things went. Since my Dad is not writing or calling me I may never know exactly, but fortunately that is not required for me to let this crutch go. I feel like I am blocking a lot of blessings by holding on to this.

I forgive my Dad, I hope he can do the same.

Isn't it amazing what you can figure out in the time it takes to make chorizo and eggs?