In a hole

I was seriously thinking about moving back to California. After many discussions, had hubby and kids on board, only to doubt moving is the best thing. I feel unhappy and moving would be a temp fix to my blues. I feel like every decision I've made for myself has been wrong.

Ever since I asked my bio Dad for help with my tuition last fall, things have been on a down slope. When I asked him for his help, he asked me for a lot of information. A LOT. I complied since I needed his help. Everything he was saying and asking was starting to beat me down. It's like he was asking a lot of questions and when I answered them he didn't believe a word I said anyway. He did raise a few good points about what I really wanted to do for a career and that really made me think, but that didn't come until after I told him to never mind helping me. I felt I would continue to not do well. I haven't talked to my Dad since. He said we can "start over" even though he feels lied to etc..Now I feel like my "daddy issues" have increased. I have no idea what I did to make him feel everything I say is a lie. I think about it everyday. EVERY SINGLE DAY. I've written and emailed to no avail.

I feel I have lost a part of my confidence. I don't think he is to blame for my decisions, it just seems thats when I started digging a hole. I think I have dug myself into a hole and the "angel" on my shoulder is telling me that I am still the same person I have always been and I have what it takes to climb out, but on the other shoulder is the "devil" and he is telling me it's not worth the effort, I am damaged goods and to keep digging.

I know what I need to do is to climb out of this hole. I know I can push through all this bullshit and come out clean on the other side. I know I have it in me, but the bullshit is so warm and I don't even smell the poison down here anymore.